Wow. It’s been a minute or two since I’ve Thought Out Loud. Well, actually, I guess I kinda did last week on Friday. So…yeah….about that.
I’ve thought hard about taking that post down. In fact, I nearly did a few times. I put way too much of myself out there. I’m not one for attention. Thank goodness none of my friends actually read it.
But, in truth, I’m glad I didn’t. It needs to stay. It’s my reality. And I need to accept it. No more hiding. I already hate being invisible.
I’m still a little raw around the edges. I’m better than I was over the weekend but everything is still kind of bright and edgy, if that makes any sense. I bashed around and knocked down walls inside myself that have been standing for quite a while. You know that’s not going to heal right away.
It feels a little like road rash. It’s getting better and I’m generally okay if I’m by myself (and I don’t think too much) but when I’m around other people, it seems someone’s always bumping into it and trying to make it bleed.
For the record, I actually reached out to get help. Of course, it didn’t quite go the way I had planned and I’m trying another route (and my Sailor is set on making some calls and having some heads roll – let’s just say that my phone call experience mighta shoulda gone a little differently). But, I did it. I stepped out of my protective box and asked for help. It was not the easiest thing for me to do.
Kinda like stepping up to the plate with this post. I’m actually talking about it. AGAIN! And that terrifies me. I’ve got DECADES of practice of keeping things locked up. Letting things out? Yeah, not so much.
It’s really really hard not to feel like I’m being silly or weak or overdramatizing things or overreacting and it’s hard to feel like “it’s not that bad, it’s just stress, right?” and “dammit, you should just buck up and deal with it like a big girl!” (wait, is it normal to cry after a workout? or even during one?)
I’ve done that a lot in my life. I’ve put on that happy face. (not cry in a workout. sorry, my segue sucked there. :/) I’ve dressed up (cool as a cucumber and tough as nails, just like my grandma). I’ve shown up. I’ve done what I was supposed to do.
And yes, I know the context of that thingy (wth are those called, anyway? is it a meme? IDK. whatever.) is supposed to be motivational. You’ll never reach your goals if you don’t show up and work hard and all that jazz. But, that can be read differently and it is an exact representation of how I do business. Which may not be the best way to do business, it seems.
It’s hard not to feel like a failure. How can I not be strong enough to handle EVERYTHING? I should be, right? I feel the expectations. From myself and others. I can handle it all. I HAVE to.
I’m sure I’ve done something wrong.
Nope. Can’t fall down that rabbit hole any longer.
It’s time for me to pay attention to that elephant in the room.
Thanks so much to Amanda for letting me Think Out Loud on a subject I’ve never even talked out loud about before. <3
It’s hard to have questions after this. I feel like they’d all be superficial anyway. Just know that if you’re ever in a spot where you feel like you have no where to turn or no one to talk to, I’m a great listener. I may suck at talking about my own issues but I’m excellent at listening to others.