One of the (many) things that I’m not good at is letting go. I really need to work on that.
I am, however, really REALLY excellent at holding on to things. Not just physical things – although there is a slight, ever so teeny tiny, chance that I may possibly be a small, wee little bit of a packrat #dontjudgeme #everythinghasmeaning #yesimustkeepallofit – but feelings and all that other hokey mushy stuff.
Like, I can take something that happened (not a good thing) or was said to me (something not nice) YEARS ago, or some way that something made me feel (bad, guilty, terrible, sad, whatever), and I’ll hold on to it, ruminate over it, stew about it, play it over and over and OVER again in my head even though it’s long since been over or said. And I probably should have moved on already.
I am certain this is why my anxiety level can shoot through the roof at any given moment. I do it to myself. I need to let it go. I need to let the past be the past.
How do I do that, though? I just don’t know.
Lately, I’ve been really tired. Like, my eyes don’t even want to stay open tired. Almost as if the weight of ALL. THE. THINGS. is just pushing me down and I feel like I’m slogging through thick mud. At first, I thought maybe it was the humidity. I mean, it’s damn hot and the humidity is even worse. It’s humuggity to the max around these parts! I also thought I might be getting sick. You know, one of those awful summer colds. Blech! And then I started to wonder. Maybe it’s because I’m holding on to feelings that I should really be letting go.
I just realized that to be true as I typed that. The immediate burst of tears clued me in. I’m holding on to feelings that are bringing me down. Feelings that were most likely brought on by some recent events, and fueled by the past. Feelings that I’m feeling because I’m letting others dictate relationships – relationships with history. Feelings that I’ve holding on to for entirely TOO LONG.
I guess the realization of it all is probably a step in the right direction? Maybe understanding that will help me to process them and move those feelings on out the door? I need to take control.
How do I take control of emotions that have HAD control for entirely too long? I need to learn how to do that.
Per my norm, I feel bad that I am asking for help rather than providing it with this post. I’m the one people turn TO for help/advice/an ear/a shoulder to cry on. In all honesty, it makes me nervous to admit all these things and ask for help. I feel like I should be strong enough and knowledgable enough to deal with all of this and then share my knowledge. I AM STRONG and INDESTRUCTIBLE, after all.
Maybe not so much.
I’d like to thank Amanda for letting me Thinking Out Loud <3