ANXIETY (TOL #23)

Okay, so, I totally wasn’t going to share this. I haven’t blogged since last week and that frustrates me because I have like 5 ideas written down for blog posts that I’m really excited about. But I can’t seem to sit down and write them.

I’m actually surprised I’m about to share what I wrote the other day.

To be truthful, I wrote it – by hand – in a notebook that I keep on my desk.

I bought the notebook to keep by my bed so I could write in the middle of the night if I woke up with an idea.  I actually used to write poetry that way.  I haven’t written a poem in at least two decades.  Suddenly realizing that makes me a little sad. And honestly, I haven’t used the notebook yet for that purpose and I’ve had it since May. The only thing I’ve written are some blog thoughts; i.e. things I want to do but haven’t yet because….I don’t know why not.

Anyway, the other night I grabbed the notebook and I just wrote.  I just spewed out a bunch of feelings.  And then I slept for 10 hours. Which I totally needed.

Anxiety (TOL #23)

When I woke up, I actually had zero recollection of what I wrote.  It wasn’t until later in the day that I remembered and it’s been on my mind since. I wasn’t going to share it.  I was going to keep it to myself, almost like a Dear Diary entry, but then I remembered that I need to stop keeping things to myself.  Some things.  Things like that, that mess with my head.  Obviously, I don’t tell all things – you can trust me to keep your secrets! Unless you’re planning something awful and then, sorry, deal’s off. No promises here!  But seriously, I feel better when I write and I feel even better when I share.  It’s like I’m owning it rather than hiding from it. So, here you go.


Anxiety

manifests itself in different people in different ways. I don’t necessarily feel stressed but I have been incredibly restless the past few days and I am completely unable to focus. Being alone – or not around people I trust – only exacerbates it. I’ve worked out so I should be fine but all I want to do is move.

Except I don’t have direction.

And everything I decide to do is wrong. Or stupid.

I got in my truck to go somewhere because I felt like I should but I didn’t know where to go. I would have likely driven right back home if I randomly wasn’t offered something to do right at that moment. Providence? Fate?

Apparently, anxiety – diagnosed anxiety – is prevalent in my family.  I just learned this.  My uncle also has PTSD and some other things.  Someone in my family actually made my grandma wonder if he was bonkers.

I feel like that sometimes.

Bonkers.

You know, bonkers is a strange word.


Tell me:

  • I don’t even know. Just tell me something. What words do you think are strange?

Linking up with Amanda for this week’s Thinking Out Loud. I can’t thank her enough for an avenue on which to share my thoughts. <3

4 COMMENTS

  1. Chocolaterunsjudy | 9th Sep 17

    Maybe it’s time to phone a friend. I swear, when I got together with my friend I hadn’t seen in quite some time, the friend I used to log most of my long runs with, we just walked & talked & it was great.

    No agenda, just get together and see what happens.

    OTOH, the fact that you slept so well afterwards (so envious — I NEVER sleep that long) –says you probably got out something you really needed to get out. And maybe that’s what you need to do more often. Or maybe it’s time for poetry! (so envious of those that can write poetry).

    I have many hobbies I’ve let go, and I think of doing them all the time . . . and yet I don’t. And I know we all make time for the things that are important to us. Yet it seems hard sometimes, doesn’t it?

    • Jennifer
      Jennifer | 11th Sep 17

      I wish I could phone a friend. I’ve been without a really good one for so long that I forgot how to do that. I guess I feel awkward with the thought of calling someone up out of the blue and then spilling my guts. LOL I guess trying to write/blog is my equivalent? I wish we lived closer. I think we might be doing a lot of walking. 🙂 And I definitely need to write more. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night with all these thoughts rolling through my head but I’m hesitant to turn the light on and write them down for fear I may not get back to sleep. I think I need to start turning that light on because writing them down actually does help. Hell, I am presently with a job so what do I care if I sleep past 6-6:30? (and yes, I think that’s late. I’m used to a 400am or 430am wake-up.) haha

  2. Wendy | 7th Sep 17

    Anxiety is tough. I’ve had it most of my life. That ‘s why I run.

    • Jennifer
      Jennifer | 7th Sep 17

      Yeah. Me too. Except, I can’t cover the miles I need (want) because of my knee. Too much too soon = no bueno. I’m trying to figure out other methods of management so I don’t have to medicate.

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